


Teaching you to see

by Maurits



Category: No. 6 (Anime & Manga), No. 6 - All Media Types, No. 6 - Asano Atsuko
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Drama, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2020-01-22 21:45:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18536083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maurits/pseuds/Maurits
Summary: NEW TITLE! Previous title: "Discipline and Punish."Nezumi is a troublesome high school student: although he gets good grades in almost every subject, he struggles with civics. It doesn't help that he keeps skipping class. Then, circumstances force him to get tutoring by his classmate, Shion. A guy who's very different from him in just about every way - can they get along?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all. I started working on this story a long time ago. It's not finished, partially because I'm insecure about whether it's any good, and whether anyone would want to read it. So, if you like it, please leave a comment! It may just be the difference between whether I will continue the story or not. 
> 
> Also, content warning: This story deals with a problematic household / domestic abuse. I guess this story goes a bit further than just an ordinary high school AU, huh. '^^

> Children, obey your fathers in everything, for this pleases the LORD. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
> 
> \- The Bible (NIV), Colossians 3:20-21

“Well, well, well, look who we have here! It’s been so long, I barely recognize you anymore.”  
“Oh, don’t worry about it. This is just a one-time occurrence anyway.”  
The teacher’s cheeks flushed red with anger. “E-Excuse me?”  
“I said, this is just a one-time thing that I’m here, in this class. No need to remember my name or anything. I’ll skip again next class.”  
The rest of the class, who were already seated or just walking in, had grown quiet. Nezumi was – when present – a bit of the class clown. To an extent, at least. He never tried to be funny like most ‘class clowns’ do; Nezumi’s blatant disrespect for authority seemed to be a natural source of comedy to the rest of the class. But as a result, laughing at him was never a good idea; most teachers hated him, so it wouldn’t do you any good to be on Nezumi’s side.  
“Oh, I know your name, Nezumi. And so does the principal. To whose office you are going, _now_. Immediately.”  
“Whoa,” Nezumi said dramatically. “I thought this would be an emotional reunion! I can’t believe you haven’t missed me!”  
“Nezumi, _now_.” The teacher pointed towards the door. “I’ll accompany you.”  
“How sweet of you. But I can walk there mys-”  
“As if. You’d just go somewhere else. Let’s go.”  
Nezumi gritted his teeth as he walked along with the teacher.

The principal’s office was plain, as you’d expect of a principal’s office. There were several plain, white cabinets, a rather large desk with a computer on it, and a chair on each side of the desk. The principal was sitting on the rather luxurious office chair behind the desk. The chair in front of the desk was considerably more modest. The only thing in the room that had a little color in it, was a single plant in the windowsill. A beacon of life in a place full of death.  
The principal gestured for him to take the seat in front of the desk, and he sat down. “Well, well, well, Nezumi.” _What a resemblance_ , Nezumi thought. With two minds so alike, it’s no wonder they married. “You’ve got a little of a troublesome tendency, don’t you?”  
“Absolutely not. It’s the school schedule that has a tendency towards the troublesome.”  
A smile appeared on the principal’s face, probably intending to make him feel at ease. Nezumi and she had had this conversation multiple times, but to no avail. The first two times she had gotten angry, but that had gotten her nowhere with him. Not to mention that, like any teacher, she hadn’t really been angry; it was just an act to intimidate him into compliance. Nor did threats work: you can threaten a student with detention, but if said student doesn’t show up to detention, the threat is empty. Her new tactic seemed to be to be understanding. “Look, Nezumi. This really can’t go on like this. You’re intelligent. Your grades are fine – mostly. But you need to go to class. So far we have been lenient due to your good grades, but according to the law, you have to go to school.” She paused for a moment. “And it’s serious this time.” She held her hand up, thumb and index finger nearly touching. “You are _this_ close to coming in trouble with the school attendance officer, and there’s nothing I can do to help you then.”  
Nezumi was quiet. She had a point there. Getting in trouble with the school attendance officer was a lot of trouble he didn’t want to be in. It’s not that he cared about breaking the law, but he didn’t want to get into legal trouble for something this pathetic. Rather for something worth getting in trouble for.  
The principal continued. “So. What will it be? Will you go to class from now on?” Then she added, “it might save your grade for civics too.”  
Nezumi clicked his tongue. “I suppose I’ll have to go then. Though don’t expect any miracles in the civics department. That grade is doomed.”  
“You don’t understand mister Smith’s way of teaching?” She sighed. Nezumi wanted to say that’s not it at all, but she already continued. “Well, it’s not the first time I’ve heard this from people. There is a very nice boy in your class who has outstanding grades, though. Maybe you could ask him to help you. His name is Shion. I’m almost sure he’s willing to help.”  
_Great. The guy who’s always staring at me like I’m some long-lost now-found relative._ He didn’t have much choice, though. Mister Smith’s classes were so full of patriotic bullshit, he always found it more useful to sleep during them. And after three classes of sleeping, he stopped going to class altogether. He’d rather be outside or go to the library for books. The only reason he went to class today was because the library was closed for a special event today, it was raining outside, and he didn’t want to go home.  
“Fine. I’ll talk to him about it.” _Maybe._  
“Good.” She flashed a smile. “You can leave now. Return to class, that is. And remember, I expect you to go to class from now. If you miss any more classes, the school attendance officer has to be notified.”  
“Okay,” he answered, and left the office.

When he entered the classroom again, mister Smith shot him a murderous look. “Glad that you’re back.” His death gaze made entering the classroom feel like entering hell, and mister Smith was Lucifer himself. “Take a seat.”  
As Nezumi walked to the nearest seat, he noticed Shion staring at him. _Is he gay? I mean, I_ am _really attractive. I’d stare at me, too._  
Sitting down on his seat, the teacher resumed teaching. It didn’t take long for Nezumi to fall asleep.  
As class ended some 45 minutes later, he woke up again. Some other people had already shoved their books into their bags and run out of the classroom, but some other people who took more time were still clearing their table. Shion, too, was still putting his books in his backpack. Now would be the perfect time to ask him for help.  
Nezumi hesitated, staring at Shion. He didn’t like asking for help. At all. _I can fix this myself. My fucking self._ He grabbed his bag – he had never even gotten his books out – and left the classroom.

He put his key in the lock. He hoped today would be okay, though it most likely wouldn’t. He turned the key around, opened the door, and walked inside. He hung his coat on the coat hanger.  
“Hey Nez,” his mother said from somewhere in the living room. The hallway wasn’t visible from the living room, since the door leading from the hallway to the living room was at the very end of the hallway. She must have seen him through the window when he was still outside.  
“Hey,” he replied. He didn’t bother going to the living room, and instead went right up the stairs to his room. He didn’t like being with her, and had rather sneaked inside without her knowing at all. In his room, he threw down his bag and sat down on his bed. He had a small room with little in it. There was a closet next to the door, and beside that closet was a desk with a computer on it. The desk had all kinds of objects scattered on it: erasers, pencils, pens, papers, books, even some candy. On the wall opposite of the door he had his bed. Clothes lay throughout his room, as well as books – both school books and his own.  
What to do? Well, there weren’t a lot of options. He could use the computer – not really his thing – study civics, read a book, work out, or jack off. Important thing first, he decided. He searched across the floor for his civics book. He knew he hadn’t even bothered to put it in his bag when he went to school. He found it eventually lying under his bed. He picked it up, cleared out his desk, and then started to study.  
He didn’t last long. It wasn’t so much that he hated studying. It was that he hated patriotism. And this book was filled with it. He was sure Charles Montesquieu had some interesting stuff to say about the separation of powers, but to him it was impossible to decipher what it was, hidden behind so much nationalist bullshit. So, he decided he’d just do some working out and hope he could decipher the text later.

Today was Tuesday, which meant ‘healthy’ food: spinach and potatoes. Not that it mattered a lot, he just ate what was set in front of him. The only difference was whether his little sister, Lily, would be complaining.  
“Eww! Spinach!” she said as she entered the room and saw what was on the table. Nezumi, Mom, and Dad were already sitting at the table.  
“It’s very healthy, so you’ll have to eat it.” his dad said. Lily’s face said that she wasn’t convinced, but she stayed quiet anyway. “Hurry up and sit down. We’re going to pray.” Lily silently obeyed, her face still contorted at the prospect of eating the spinach. “Good. Let’s pray,” he said as he said folded his hands and bowed his head. Mom and Lily did the same.  
Dad lead the prayer. “Lord, we have gathered to share a meal in Your honor. Thank You for putting us together as family, and thank You for this food. Bless it to our bodies, Lord. We thank You for all of the gifts You’ve given to those around this table. Help each member of our family use these gifts to Your glory. Guide our mealtime conversations and steer our hearts to Your purpose for our lives. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”  
Then they started to eat. After a little while, Mom decided to start a conversation. “And, Lily, how was school today?”  
“Fine.” she answered, poking at her food.  
“It was? That’s good to hear. What did you do at school?”  
“Oh, just math and English and some other things.”  
“Was it difficult?”  
“No, not at all!” she said cheerily. Her voice was in contrast with her face – still fixed on her plate full of vitamin-filled nightmares.  
“By the way, Nezumi,” his father started. “Your mom and I recently received your report card.”  
_Oh fuck_ , Nezumi thought. He didn’t answer.  
“The grades are fine, but your civics grade is really bad. How come?” There was a tinge of anger in his dad’s voice. Mom became intent on her food. Lily took her first bite of the spinach.  
“No reason in particular. It just isn’t my thing. Can’t be good at everything.”  
“Are you really sure? Because last we heard, you weren’t even going to your classes.” Makes sense that they know. No way school wouldn’t inform them.  
Mom was poking at her food. Lily took another gigantic bite of her spinach.  
“Yep. That’s right. I did try going to class, but I understood jack shit. Figured I-”  
“Nezumi, we don’t use language like that here!” his father yelled. Lily hid her face by staring down at her plate. The rest of her body said that she wanted to be invisible, or better yet, stop existing. “And you _will_ go to classes, Nezumi.”  
“That’s true. I went today. Good, now?”  
His father was taken aback a little by being agreed with so easily, but he was riled up by Nezumi’s insolence. “Didn’t you just say that going to class isn’t enough for you? Then do something about that!” His booming voice must have been audible from outside.  
“You think I haven’t tried?” Implying that he had tried was mostly a lie, since he hated civics with a passion, but he didn’t care about speaking the truth. “I’m just bad at it.”  
“You just haven’t tried hard enough. I know you don’t care about it. Next time I see your grades your civics grade will be at least a B. If not, you can just leave our house.”  
“What?! Honey!” Mom interrupted. “That’s ridiculous!”  
“No, I’m serious! He never respects us, or even listens to us! It’s time he learns some respect!” Dad yelled.  
Mom just looked at him, powerless, trying to hold back tears. And in that silence, there was a soft sound. Lily was sniffing.  
“Look what you’ve fucking done. You’ve made her cry.” Nezumi said angrily. “Again.”  
“Well, if you hadn’t made me this angry, this wouldn’t have happened!”  
“So, now it’s _my_ fault? Fuck off.” Nezumi stood up and walked toward the door. Then he looked at Lily. She didn’t deserve this kind of family. “Come on, Lily. Let’s go.” She looked up at Nezumi with tears in her eyes. She was hesitating between wanting to go with her big bro, and knowing that she wasn’t actually allowed to leave the table. “Come on,” he said patiently.  
“Stay at the table, Nezumi,” his dad said. “You too, Lily.”  
Lily seemed to think it over for a moment, and then quickly got up and ran towards the hall, eager to avoid more of her father’s anger. Nezumi smiled a victorious smile towards his dad, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to throw even more oil on the fire. This was enough: his dad seemed to be fuming inside already. His dad opened his mouth to say something, but Mom grabbed his arm and whispered something to him, intently. Nezumi closed the door and gave Lily her coat. “Let’s go get some fries.”  
 


	2. Chapter 2

> He says he knows how our young men are corrupted and who corrupts them. He is likely to be wise, and when he sees my ignorance corrupting his contemporaries, he proceeds to accuse me to the city as to their mother. […] Meletus first gets rid of us who corrupt the young shoots, as he says, and then afterwards he will obviously take care of the older ones and become a source of great blessings for the city[.]
> 
> \- Plato, Eutyphro (2c-3a)

Tuesday again. Nezumi had spent the past week trying to understand his civics book, but he hadn’t made much progress. Now, he was back in civics class, dozing off again. Time flies when you’re sleeping, he’d found. Before he knew it, the class had ended, and it was time for him to be off again. Just as he was getting out of the classroom, he heard someone call his name.  
“Nezumi!” Nezumi turned around to find a brown-haired boy trying to catch his attention from the other side of the classroom. Shion. He wondered why he was calling him. Shion was gesturing wildly for him to wait with one hand, while unhandily shoving his books into his bag with his other hand. Nezumi walked up to him and helped him put his books away.  
“What’s up? Why do you need me?”  
“I was wondering if you needed some help with civics. I might be able to h-“  
“You were just wondering that, randomly?”  
Shion’s face got red. “I err… well, it’s more that Miss Smith told me you could use some help.”  
“Then just say that. God.” The principal was a perceptive woman. It didn’t take her long to figure Nezumi out; she had known he wouldn’t ask for help. He didn’t like it. Not just her seeing through him, but also her meddling in his affairs.  
“Anyway,” Shion said, recovering himself. “The offer stands. If you need a hand, I’m willing to help.”  
Nezumi looked at him, slightly surprised. “Wow. I thought you’d be scared off by my rudeness by now.” Maybe his looks were compensation for his rudeness. Although, on second thought, he was always wearing dark clothes. He may be attractive, but also intimidating.  
“You may be rude, but I don’t think you’re a bad person.”  
Nezumi laughed. “I’ll pass on the offer. I’ll be fine.”  
“Miss Smith also said you would probably say that.” That woman was too goddamn perceptive. And this kid too honest.  
“I don’t care. I don’t need any help,” he said, and turned around and started to walk away.  
“Wait!” Nezumi almost sighed in exasperation, something he never did. “I’ll give you my phone number. If you have second thoughts, you can always send me a text.”  
“Fine.” He figured it’d be quicker to just go along with Shion than to reject him outright, and handed his smartphone to Shion for him to enter his phone number.  
A few moments later Shion gave it back. “Don’t hesitate to text me! I won’t bite.” He swung his backpack on his shoulders and started walking towards the door.  
“As if I thought you would.” That guy was as harmless as a puppy.  
“That’s true. Anyway, see you later, Nezumi!” Shion said and disappeared through the door.

“Nezumi,” his dad said when Nezumi entered the house. He had the feeling something was about to happen again. “Can you come in the living room for a second?”  
Nezumi didn’t answer, but just walked into the living room and dropped himself on the couch, more nonchalantly than his father would have liked. Nezumi had perfected the art of disrespecting his father just by walking, sitting, and generally being around the house. From the couch, he could see his mother cooking dinner in the kitchen. It smelled absolutely average, the way a woman who doesn’t care much about dinner would cook.  
His father sat down on the other couch. “Your mother and I have spoken about your civics grade. We really want you to improve. We think it’s really important that you do. So…” his father sighed before continuing. “We decided that if you do not get at least a C for your next test, you’ll be grounded for the weekends.”  
Nezumi clenched his teeth. “And my job?” During weekends he worked at a snack bar, so he could afford more clothes, CDs, concerts, and tattoos. But mostly he was saving up for the day he could get out of his parents’ home.  
“You’ll have to tell them you can’t work for the time being. Your grades are more important than your job.”  
Nezumi did not like this. But he hoped to talk his way out of it. Time for a tactical topic change. “Actually, today I’ve asked someone in my class to help me with civics. He said he can’t promise any good grades, but he’ll do his best to help me.”  
“Really? That’s good to hear.”  
“Yeah, we’re…” Nezumi hesitated, wondering how much he had to bullshit – every lie brought a greater risk of being discovered. “… actually planning to start studying tonight.” He had to make an eager impression on his dad.  
His dad didn’t seem to have noticed his hesitation. “That’s great! Where were you planning to study? Here?”  
“No, we decided to meet at his house.”  
“Okay, I see. It’d be okay for him to come here too!” _Hell no_ , Nezumi thought. He wouldn’t want anyone seeing the familial shithole he lived in.  
“Maybe someday. We’ll see what works best. Anyway, that’s what I’ll be doing tonight.”  
“Okay then. Well, I’ve said everything I wanted to say! So just do whatever you were planning to do.”  
Nezumi stood up again and went to his bedroom. There was a good reason for having lied this much. Right now, his grade mattered less in deciding whether he was going to be grounded, because at least he had showed he _tried_ to get a good grade. And you can’t punish a child when he’s done his best. Or at least, that was the theory. He really did have to show he would be doing his best now. These lies would be for nothing if he didn’t actually look like he was doing his best.  
He sat down on his bed and took his smartphone out of his school bag. _Am I gonna do this?_ he thought for a second, and then he was sure: he had to. He could of course just hang out in the library and get help from Shion, but his lies would be apparent to his father if his grades didn’t improve at all. He didn’t need a C, but he did need to show improvement. He unlocked his phone, went to his contacts, and called Shion.  
After the phone went over a few times, a soft voice picked up the phone. “Hi, this is Shion.”  
“Hey. Nezumi here. I uhh…” Fuck. He really hated asking for help. “Is this afternoon’s offer still open?”  
Shion was quiet for a few second. “I didn’t think you would call. But absolutely! What time works for you?”  
“Any time except the weekends is fine with me. I even have time tonight already, if that’s fine with you.”  
“Tonight already? OK I guess. It’s not like I’ve really got plans anyway.”  
Nice. That’s one lie turned into truth. “Cool. Where would be a good place? I could go to your house, or we could go to the library or something.” Nezumi was glad he was able to lead the conversation. If he was forced to get tutoring, he was glad at least something was under his control.  
“My house is fine. I’ll send you my address in a text.”  
“Good. Any preference for time?”  
“We should be done with dinner at 7 p.m. at latest, so not before that.”  
“Alright, 7 p.m. it is.”  
“Yes, see you then, Nezumi!”  
“Yeah. See ya.”  
He pressed the red button to hang up. He let himself fall backwards on his bed, with his feet still on the ground. He hadn’t thanked Shion. He probably should have. But he wasn’t in the mood for it. He wanted to be able to take care things on his own, and it frustrated him that he wasn’t able to. He hated how his dad could make him do things he didn’t really want.  
But well. Rather hang out with some random guy from school than to be grounded.

After having washed the dishes, Nezumi walked to the hall and took his coat from the coat hanger. Lily appeared at the top of the stairs looking down. “Are you going somewhere?” she asked. Her eyes were a little concerned.  
“Yeah,” Nezumi wanted to answer, but at that moment a yell came from somewhere upstairs, dragging Nezumi’s attention. Mom and Dad were arguing again. Nezumi looked at Lily again. “Look, I can’t take you with me. Just go to your room and read a book, OK?”  
“Please stay,” she said, then immediately bit with her lip with foreteeth, trying not to cry. “Please.”  
“Sorry.” He turned around, opened the door and went outside. He heard Lily crying through the door.  
He got his bike from the shed and went on his way. Shion’s house was about 10 minutes cycling away from him. When he arrived, he looked at the house. It was a little bakery. The food display counters were empty; of course, at the end of the day, all of it had been sold, and the few cakes that weren’t sold would have been thrown away when the bakery closed.  
The bakery was on the first floor of the building, and Shion lived on the second floor. The living quarters of the building had their own door and doorbell, which Nezumi pressed. A few moments later the door flew open and Shion appeared in the doorframe.  
“Hi! Glad you could come. Come inside!” Shion’s voice sounded welcoming. Nezumi stepped inside. It was just a small hall, with little in it; after 5 feet or so, there was a staircase leading to the second floor.  
“Thanks for being willing to help me with civics.”  
“You’re welcome,” Shion said as he closed the door behind Nezumi. “You can hang your coat on there,” he said, pointing at a rack on the wall.  
Nezumi took his coat off and hung it on one of the pegs, and took off his shoes.  
From somewhere upstairs he heard a woman’s voice. “Is that your friend, Shion?” A few seconds later a woman appeared at the top of the stairs. The scene was reminiscent of the one he had just experienced at home, though this woman was in a considerably better mood than his sister. “Hi! So nice to meet you! I’m Shion’s mother, Karan.” She had a warm smile on her face. “Come upstairs! It’s been quite a long time since Shion had someone over. Other than Safu, that is. He doesn’t seem to have many friends. But what’s many friends worth anyway? It’s better to have few good friends than many bad friends, isn’t it?” Karan chatted happily while she led Nezumi and Shion to the living room. “Do you want something to drink? I can make some tea, if you’d like.”  
“That’d be great mom, could you bring it to my bedroom? We’re gonna study there.”  
A slight hint of disappointment showed on her face for a fraction of a second, and then she said in a happy voice, “Okay! Good luck studying then!”  
“Thanks!” Nezumi said, before Shion could answer. He hadn’t been able to get a word in since Karan started talking, not even to introduce himself.  
As Karan went to the kitchen, Shion led Nezumi to his bedroom. “I think the living room would have been more comfortable, but my mom would probably distract us. She’s a bit too excited that I’ve made a new friend.”  
_Friend?_ That went fast. “Is it really that bad? Do you really have only one friend?” Nezumi chuckled.  
Shion’s face went red. “I… Yes.” He opened the door to his bedroom, avoiding looking at Nezumi.  
Nezumi said nothing as he walked into the bedroom, taking a look around.  
“Anyway,” Shion said, trying to change the topic, “we should get started on civics.” He took his civics book from a bookshelf above his desk.  
Shion’s room was, though in similar in size, nearly the opposite of Nezumi’s room. No clothes scattered around, and the books neatly on a shelf. There was a small trash bin, with trash in it – something that would never happen in Nezumi’s room. Shion’s room was absolutely spotless.  
“Take a seat!” Shion gestured at a seat on the other side of the room. It looked like the kind of seat used for throwing a pile of clothes on, but strangely enough it didn’t have any clothes on it, seemingly ridding it of its purpose. Nezumi grabbed the seat and set it near the desk, while Shion sat down in the chair that was already set near the desk.  
“So, how much do you know already?”  
“Kind of vague question, but the answer is pretty simple: Nothing.”  
Shion looked at him questioning. “Nothing?”  
“Nothing. I’m like the modern-day Socrates. ‘All I know is that I know nothing.’”  
“Do you mean from this chapter, or just in general when it comes to civics?”  
“In general. I have no idea what the cabinet even is. I do know what democracy is though, if that helps.”  
Shion sighed. He shoved the book that was in front of him further back. “Well, okay then. Do you want to start from the very basics? It’d mean we have a lot of catching up to do.”  
“Yeah sure, why not.” To Nezumi it was more important that he was doing something, than actually doing the right thing. As long as he didn’t get grounded during weekends, he’d be fine.  
“Okay then. Today’s American society is a democracy, based on Charles Montesquieu’s ideas on the trias politica. Write this down, by the way.” He took a notebook and a pen from a drawer, and gave it to Nezumi. “Montesquieu thought that, in order to prevent one person or group from claiming all power for themselves and abusing the power, power should be divided into three parts: a legislative power, an executive power, and a judiciary power. All these parts should keep an eye on the other powers – which is what is referred to as a system of checks and balances, of which you’ve probably heard. Following so far?”  
“Not entirely. What do the three powers do?”  
“I was about to get to that. The ones with legislative power pass laws. In democracies, that’s the parliament’s job. The ones with executive power execute the laws and run the country on an everyday basis. That’s basically the President and the Cabinet, of which the ministers are a part. The ones with judiciary power are the judges, who decide whether the laws are being followed.”  
“I see... Shockingly, I get it.”  
“Shockingly?”  
“I thought I’d never get the hang of this shit.” He flashed a smile at Shion. “But you’re a pretty good explainer.”  
“I still don’t get that about you, really. I hear you’re pretty good when it comes to other subjects. Why not this subject?”  
“I don’t do well with authority, and even less with text books that are trying to make me love it. I don’t get how you can stand it, really.”  
Shion was quiet for a second. His next words came slowly. “I don’t… really get why I wouldn’t be able to stand it. So far, I haven’t run into any problems with it.”  
“Perhaps you haven’t, but your experience isn’t universal.” Nezumi looked Shion straight in the eye. Shion looked away.  
“Maybe. But I think it’s best if we focus on civics for now.”  
“Right.”

“It’s 9 o’ clock. I think I should be heading home. My head is filled to the point of bursting apart anyway,” Nezumi said. It was true. He truly felt as if he grasped the basics of American democracy now. It was so much different than he had thought. For starters, the cabinet and the parliament were two entirely different things. Who would’ve known?  
Shion chuckled. “Don’t you think that’s a bit dramatic?” Nezumi stared at him. The kid really thought this was a piece of cake for him. “Do you want to do it again sometime soon? It’s nice teaching you. You pay attention.”  
“Sure, how’s Friday evening?” Nezumi answered.  
“Fine with me. But my mom has some friends over then, so I think it’d be better if we went to your house.”  
“No, let’s go the library,” Nezumi said a bit too quickly. He had to make up an excuse. “I have a little sister who’d constantly bother us if we did it at my house.”  
“Alright, let’s do that then. Does quarter past 7 work for you?”  
“Yep.”  
Since there was nothing left to say, Shion let Nezumi out of the house. Nezumi heard Shion’s mother call “come again soon!” to him, right before the door closed and he was out in the cold again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! This is the last chapter I've written so far, so from now on I'll need to pick up the pen again. If you want me to continue the story, please leave a comment! That may decide whether I actually continue the story or not.


	3. Chapter 3

 

> The truth shall set you free, but first it shall make you miserable.
> 
> \- Søren Kierkegaard 

“What a shame I didn’t get to see more of him,” Shion’s mother said as she set a pot of tea on the table. “Next time he’s here you should take the time and come sit in the living room for a cup of tea, so I can get to know him a little bit too.”  
“Maybe for a little while.” Shion smiled. He knew that, if he and Nezumi were to be in the living room with his mother, they’d be trapped by social convention. His mother would never stop talking. But it’d be worthwhile to go through it anyway. His mother seemed to glow up a little, now that he’d brought a friend – or something like it – home, and Shion loved seeing her smile. “Though it may be a little while before he’s here again. We’ll be going to the library Friday.”  
“Oh. I see.” His mom sounded a little disappointed. She would have to be patient to see her son’s new friend again. “Then, next time. I really do wonder what kind of person he is. He looks a bit intimidating, don’t you think?”  
Nezumi wore black clothes, had two piercings in his lip and a tattoo on his right arm. Shion could see why his mother would think him intimidating, but somehow, he didn’t feel the same. There was something about Nezumi’s eyes that drew him in, something that overpowered the impression his general appearance might have left on Shion. He sipped his tea. “I don’t think he’s intimidating. Though I don’t understand why.”  
His mother looked at him pensively. “Well… as long he’s your friend, it’s fine. You’re smart enough not to get dragged in with the wrong crowd, so I don’t have to warn you, do I?”  
“If he asked me to smoke weed with him, I’d probably tell him my mom wouldn’t like that. I’m not cool enough to hang out with the bad crowd.”  
“Not cool enough?!” his mother said dramatically. “Not smoking weed, _that’s_ what’s cool! If someone tries to tell you otherwise, they’re just stupid!”  
“Sure, mom. Moms always know what’s cool.”  
“As long as you remember that.” She chuckled.

A few days passed, and it became Friday. Shion and Nezumi hadn’t spoken at all since Tuesday. Shion didn’t wonder too much about it; Nezumi had always been a rather secluded person, ever since he got to know him. And Shion wasn’t as naïve to assume that, now that he was helping Nezumi, they were suddenly best friends – although his mom certainly seemed to think that. Even so, he would have liked speaking with him. Nezumi had, in his seclusion, always had a certain magnetism. They say that opposites attract. Shion wondered whether that explained what he felt towards Nezumi. His counter-cultural clothing style and defiant demeanor were unlike anything he’d ever seen – up close, anyway. That alien aspect made Shion interested in him, as if Nezumi were an animal in a zoo. Pressing his nose against the glass, looking at the beast with big eyes. But only ever with the glass in between; that is, always at a safe distance. But Shion had always had been interested in animals, and had always been curious. Just merely watching from a distance could never satisfy him. Whether that’s with animals or people. Now the glass between him and Nezumi has disappeared, and only distance is left. And when that distance is crossed, who is to say what will happen? Will the beast destroy him? Change him?  
One thing was sure: it would not leave him the same. Shion was already feeling it. Since the study session, he had been wondering about Nezumi’s words about authority. That Nezumi’s experience with authority had been different from his own. He wondered what kind of life Nezumi had lived that was so different from his own. He wanted to ask him about it.  
During lunch, Shion saw Nezumi sitting alone at a table – as always. It would be a good time to ask him.  
“Hey,” Shion said as he sat down next to Nezumi.  
“Hey. What’s up?”  
“I saw you sitting alone, so I thought I’d come over.” As soon as he said it, he realized it must be obvious to Nezumi that that wasn’t the truth. Nezumi probably knew full well that Shion saw him sitting alone every day, and never sat down next to him – until today. It’s obvious that’s not without reason.  
But Nezumi didn’t let it show. “Ah, don’t you worry about me, little one,” he said in a sweet voice. He patted Shion’s head, and continued, “I’m not lonely.”  
“Maybe I was, though.” He wasn’t, but he didn’t like how condescending Nezumi was towards him, so he wanted to retort – anything at all.  
He snorted. “Well, I hope I can soothe your lonely heart, then.” Shion looked at him. With that laugh, however slight, it seemed like Nezumi was showing something of himself he didn’t usually show. Shion couldn’t put his finger on it. Nezumi was a rather enigmatic by nature. His eyes usually revealed nothing about him – almost inhuman. But now that he laughed, there seemed to be hidden depths revealed in his eyes. A human vitality revealed itself. There was a person behind those gray, unreadable eyes. “What? You’re staring again.” Nezumi’s words launched Shion back into reality. He looked away quickly.  
“I wanted to ask you something.”  
“Shoot.”  
“Tuesday you said that even if I don’t have any problems with authority, somebody else may have. What did you mean by that? It’s been on my mind a lot.” He looked at Nezumi again. His eyes were back to the usual: absolutely unreadable.  
“Who knows? Maybe you’ll have to figure that out yourself.”  
“You’re literally right in front of me. Why can’t you tell me what you meant?”  
Nezumi clicked his tongue in irritation. “Because you’re ignorant.” Shion almost gasped a little at his directness. “You’re the kind of person who goes with the flow and never tries to find out what’s out of your direct line of vision. Even if I told you what I meant, it’s so far outside what you know and have seen, you wouldn’t know what to do with it, or even understand what I mean. So figure it out yourself.” Nezumi looked straight at Shion, with a piercing gaze.  
“You’re being rude.” Although Shion didn’t have many friends, most people liked him for his kindness. He had rarely ever been outright insulted. He didn’t know how to deal with it.  
“So what if I am? I’m just telling you the truth.”  
Shion thought it over. “Then, if you can’t tell me what you meant, show me.”  
“I can’t. You could have figured it out by yourself if you had just opened your eyes, but since you don’t want to see, you don’t see. Even if I were to show you, you wouldn’t see.”  
A silence fell. Shion remembered what had happened those days ago.  
_“I don’t do well with authority, and even less with text books that are trying to make me love it. I don’t get how you can stand it, really.”_  
_“I don’t… really get why I wouldn’t be able to stand it. So far, I haven’t run into any problems with it.”_  
_“Perhaps you haven’t, but your experience isn’t universal.”_  
Did Nezumi mean he didn’t pay enough attention to authority? Went with the flow too much?  
“See? You’re making steps already. You don’t need me to figure it out.” It was like Nezumi was reading his thoughts. “Anything else you came to me for?” he asked.  
“No. I’ll stay for the company, though. It’s better than being alone.”  
“Do what you like.”  
A silence fell between them, Shion still lost in thought, Nezumi eating his lunch. It wasn’t uncomfortable, though. Nezumi’s presence was soothing to Shion, somehow. Sure, Nezumi was condescending towards Shion, and a jerk about it, but there was something about that that he liked. Nezumi recognized who he was – and who he could be. More so than other people. That was another quality of Nezumi’s eyes: they pierced right through people’s defenses, into people’s souls. Into Shion’s, at least.  
The bell rang. “Gotta go, see ya,” Nezumi said, and stood up.  
“Bye!”

At 10 past 7, Shion arrived at the library. 5 minutes early. He walked inside. A peaceful atmosphere greeted him. Shion didn’t come here very often, but still he was fond of the place. A tranquil place where people came to study, listen to music, or browse books – every visitor came with a specific purpose, each of which peaceful – and perhaps good for the soul, too.  
The library was a fairly big building, built only a few years ago. Modern and austere on the outside, its interior seemed to be intentionally designed to be just the opposite - warm and cozy. There were comfortable leaning chairs for some laid-back reading, and studying areas with less comfortable chairs, to make sure your comfortability didn’t prevent concentration. The lighting wasn’t too bright, but just right for reading, while still retaining a cozy atmosphere in the building. It was truly everything a library was meant to be. It even had a coffee vending machine for getting hot drinks.  
Shion got himself a cup of tea and went to the study area. From his seat he could still see the entrance. After a few minutes, he saw Nezumi walk in and go straight for the coffee vending machine. He walked like he’d been here a thousand times, and perhaps he had. Shion realized there was still so much he didn’t know about Nezumi. Usually, getting to know someone, you get a better idea of who they are. With Nezumi, it seemed to Shion that all you discover is how little you know about him. With each thing you discover, you discover that there’s three other things you don’t know. Even learning more about him, Shion didn’t get the idea he knew him.  
“Yo.” Nezumi set his coffee on the table, and took the seat next to Shion. He nodded to Shion’s tea. “You’ve already found the coffee vending machine, I see?”  
“Yeah. So have you, I see. Do you come here often?”  
“Almost every day that it isn’t closed. Where books are, that’s where I am.”  
“Huh. I didn’t realize you were such a big reader. What do you read?”  
“Anything, but mostly classics. Shakespeare, Milton, Plath, Dostoyevsky… stuff like that. Do you read them?”  
“I only know Shakespeare from the ones you mentioned, but haven’t read anything by him.”  
Nezumi snorted. “Figures. Pick up a classic sometime, it’ll do you good.”  
“If I find the time.” Frankly, he was more interested in reading more about microbiology. He wanted to become a researcher, so he had to stand out in biology class. “Do well now, and you’ll do well later,” is what a teacher had once told him, which he believed to be good advice.  
“That sounds like you’re lying and you’re actually uninterested.” Nezumi looked at Shion, as if he could read his soul. Still, Shion didn’t feel threatened. Nezumi saw through all his lies and pretense. He was naked before Nezumi. But he didn’t feel that was an issue. “Anyway, better get started on the indoctr-… I mean, civics.”  
Indoctrination? Is that how Nezumi really thought about it? Or was he just exaggerating as a joke? But Nezumi was right: better get started.  
“Let’s start, then. Since an exam is coming up in a few weeks, I think it’s best to focus on the exam tonight. We covered the basics of politics last time, but if there’s anything you’re still confused about while we’re going through the topics, just say so. It’s impossible to cover all we’ve learned-“ Shion coughed, as he realized his mistake, “I mean, all we _should_ have learned in class, in just one evening, so it’s only natural you don’t have all the background knowledge for today’s topics yet.” Nezumi chuckled at Shion’s correction. He was leaning with his elbow on the table, resting his chin on his hand holding a pen. While not the most interested posture, Shion was still glad to see it, though he wasn’t sure why.  
“Okay. What’s the topic of the exam?”  
Shion blinked. He didn’t even know that? He sighed, deeply, and looked up at the ceiling. It was a miracle to Shion that Nezumi actually showed up for their appointments. Sometimes he didn’t seem motivated at all.  
But not when they were working. Last time, Shion had found that Nezumi was actually quite the attentive listener. Asking on-point questions, picking things up quickly. Nezumi had complained about the teaching method in class quite a lot – Shion wondered whether he and his way of teaching was the cause that Nezumi was now able to learn civics?  
“The topic is criminality. Since we’re behind, I want to skip to the more important things. That means skipping stuff like the purpose of putting people in jail, because you can probably make something up if it’s asked about on the test.”  
“Good call. I already know that putting people in jail serves to give people a strike against them when they get out of prison and want to get a job, so that poverty will drive them back to criminality and into prison again.”  
Shion looked at him puzzledly.  
“Michel Foucault, Discipline and Punish. A book. You could read it; I’m sure they’ve got it somewhere here.” He gestured around him. “Anyway, yes, I know that the answer I should give is probably along the lines of ‘criminals are put into prison to protect society from them, to rehabilitate them, and to deliver justice’. So, if we’re not gonna talk about that, what _are_ we gonna talk about?”  
“Measuring crime rates. That’s more difficult than it seems.”  
“Can’t you just use the statistics of the police? I’m sure they keep score.”  
“They do, yes. The crime in the statistics of the police is called registered crime. But unfortunately, those statistics are not always reliable, for several reasons, which you should write down.” Nezumi immediately changed his posture for one more fit for writing. “For starters, the police don’t catch everyone who breaks the law, so many violations go unnoticed. Furthermore, the rates are also dependent on how much the police focus on one particular type of crime. For instance, if the police decide to do more D.U.I. checks, the statistics will show that there are more people drunk driving, even though it may just be the case that more people are getting caught drunk driving. Second, police statistics also depend on whether victims are willing to report crimes – for example, many victims of sexual abuse don’t report the crime due to shame, which makes it difficult for the police to get a good view of how much sexual abuse is actually happening.”  
“Oh, I see…” Nezumi said thoughtfully, while quickly finishing up his notes. Then he was quiet for a few seconds, giving it a place somewhere in his head. “I suppose race plays into this as well, doesn’t it? When police are more suspicious of people of color, criminals of color have a bigger chance to be caught than white criminals. In the statistics, that would make it seem like people of color are more likely to commit a crime than white people, when in reality they are just more likely to being caught committing a crime.”  
Wow. “I…. I hadn’t thought of that,” Shion admitted.  
“Suppose you wouldn’t. I’m sure the book doesn’t say it either.”  
He was right. The course book hadn’t said anything about that. Nor did Mr. Smith mention it in class.  
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Nezumi said, looking at Shion. The surprise must have been written all over his face, Shion realized. “Sorry for sending you into a crisis,” Nezumi said with a wink.  
“It’s okay.”  
“I was… joking... Oh, never mind. Let’s move on. Are there any more things that can skew the statistics of the cops?”  
“Uh, yeah, two more you should know about,” Shion said nervously, still trying to get his mind back on track. “The first is the changing law. If more laws are made and more things are made illegal, it will seem as if criminality is rising. An example is rape within marriage. That used to be legal, but now it isn’t. The criminalization of rape within marriage brought on a rise of reported rapes, but that does not mean rape actually happened more often, of course. It was just that people now gained the option to report it.  
“The second is the fact that classifying crimes is something subjective. What one public prosecutor calls physical abuse, another calls attempted homicide.”  
“Mm-mm,” Nezumi said. He was furiously making notes. Shion looked over Nezumi’s shoulder, at his notebook. Nezumi had a beautiful handwriting, one that seemed at odds with his intimidating clothing style. Shion looked at his hand making inscriptions on the paper. Though moving fast, the movements had a feminine grace about them. It was mesmerizing. “Got it,” he said as he finished his writing, snapping Shion out of his trance. “What’s next?”  
“Next is… uhh… better possible ways to measure crime.” Nezumi looked at him. His gray eyes stared right into his soul, whereas Shion could not read anything in Nezumi. A mysterious, mischievous smile appeared on Nezumi. “What?” Shion said.  
“Nothing,” he said. He pointed at the open book before Shion with his pen. “What about measuring crime?”  
“Right...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait everyone! Many thanks to my friends Beth (for helping me with several language-related questions I, as a non-native speaker had) and Elise, @Zwadderaar on twitter (for proofreading both this chapter and the next one.) Next chapter will be up in uhh.... 10 minutes?
> 
> EDIT Sept 23, 2019: Changed the opening quote to a more fitting one


	4. Chapter 4

 

> “You won’t press the button to save the world because you don’t think you deserve to live in it.”  
>  “I was going to do it, Diego. Because of you.”  
>  Diego shook his head. “Maybe you’re right. We shouldn’t see each other.” He laughed bitterly, but I didn’t get the joke. “I wanted you to press the button because _you_ wanted to, not for me or anyone else.”
> 
> \- Shaun David Hutchinson (2016), We Are The Ants

“I knew you’d be here,” a voice suddenly said from behind. Nezumi and Shion whirled around simultaneously. A rather tall, skinny man was walking towards them with great strides, a stern look on his face.  
“What are you doing here?” Nezumi whispered intently towards the man.  
“Just checking whether you’re really studying, but you’re here in the library, goofing off again!” At his raised voice, people around the library turned their heads. Shion felt ashamed.  
“I’m not, though. Shion here,” – Nezumi put his hand on Shion’s shoulder – “is teaching me all about civics. Right, Shion?”  
“Uh, yeah!” Shion said, a bit flustered at the situation. Who was that man?  
“Oh, really?” His demeanor changed as he looked at Shion. “Sorry for bothering you two, then,” he said, though he seemed to be addressing Shion only. He stuck his hand out to introduce himself. “I’m Joshua, Nezumi’s father.” Shion could barely contain his surprise as he shook his hand. His _father_? They did not look alike at all! For starters, Nezumi was Asian, and his father was the whitest of white. But Joshua did not leave him any time to think, because he continued, “Thank you so much for helping him. I hope he doesn’t cause you too much trouble.”  
“No, not at all! We get along well, and Nezumi picks things up quickly. So don’t worry about that.”  
“You two get along well?” The surprise was written on Joshua’s face. “I’m surprised! You seem very different from him.”  
“He means that I’m a dick and you aren’t,” Nezumi said to Shion. Joshua must have heard him, but didn’t pay any attention to him.  
“Why don’t you come study at our house sometime? I’m sure my wife would love to meet the person who’s been helping her son out.”  
“I’d love to! Perhaps next time we study together, next week somewhere.” Frankly, Shion was happier with the proposal than he let show. Though he didn’t understand why, he was curious about Nezumi – and this was his chance to learn a little more about him.  
“Sure, you’re welcome anytime! How about Friday? You’re alright with that too, right, Nezumi?”  
“Yeah, yeah, it’s okay.” Nezumi didn’t seem to care either way, though it was impossible to know for sure with him – he was as unreadable as always.  
“Okay, see you then. I’ll leave you to your studying now. Good luck teaching him – you’ll need it,” he said with a wink.  
“Thanks,” Shion said, wondering about the wink. Did he really think his son was such a problematic student?  
Joshua raised his hand as a goodbye-gesture, as he turned around and walked away.  
Shion looked at Nezumi, and Nezumi stared right back.  
“So… Your dad, huh? You don’t look alike.”  
“Yup, we don’t.”  
Nezumi didn’t seem to like to talk about it. His dad didn’t seem too bad – though it was apparent that Joshua didn’t have high expectations of Nezumi. Shion wondered whether they got along badly – he wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. “Do you not get along with him?” he asked.  
“How about you keep your nose where it belongs? I’m not gonna divulge my family situation just to sate your curiosity.”  
“I was just interested,” Shion said, offended.  
“Yeah, ‘just interested’. It’s to satisfy your interest. You don’t want to know about my situation for my sake, you want to know about it for yourself.”  
“That’s not true.” Shion said it before he realized it. But he was certain of it, in any case.  
“Then, how does my divulging help me?”  
Shion didn’t have an answer ready. “I don’t know… Maybe you’ll feel better about it by talking.” Nezumi’s expression said all Shion needed to know: that that was bullshit. Shion sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you. I just want to know more about you. You’re such an enigma, and I’d like to know the person I’m spending time with. But I don’t just want you to share things with me. I want you to want to share things with me. Tell me the answer when you want to, instead of when I want to, alright?”  
“’If’. Not ‘when’. And probably never. Work for you?”  
“If that’s how it is, that’s how it is,” Shion said, hiding his disappointment. He wanted to see Nezumi open up, at least the tiniest bit.  
“Good.” Nezumi relaxed, resting his hands behind his head. “Still, pretty sick monologue you had going there, man. ‘I want you to want to share things with me.’ What are we, lovers?”  
Shion’s face immediately flushed. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Nezumi looked at him from the corner of his eye, and smirked.  
“It’s so obvious, dude.”  
“W-what is?” Shion’s brain had slowed down, and he couldn’t fully understand what Nezumi meant.  
“You’re into me. Good taste you’ve got there.”  
“WHAT?!” Shion yelled. “I’m not into you! You’re a guy!”  
“And a hot guy, at that.” He winked. “But stop being dumb. Remember what I said about opening your eyes? You also need to open your eyes to yourself, see who you are.”  
“But I’m… I’m not…” A thousand thoughts were racing through Shion’s head, making it hard to talk.  
“Yeah, you are,” Nezumi interrupted. “Gay, bi, pan, whatever. Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. Hell, a genius like you especially can’t figure it out. Too much with your head elsewhere to see what’s right in the mirror.  
“Anyway,” Nezumi continued, “consider opening your eyes right now and look around the library. You’ve been making quite the racket, you know?”  
Shion looked around and saw several people staring at him. His face flushed even more. He had been way too loud! He unconsciously made himself as small as possible in his chair, while Nezumi chuckled softly. Nezumi put his hand on Shion’s shoulder.  
“It’s okay; discovering you like me must be a shocking revelation.”  
“Shut up,” Shion whispered angrily. He didn’t want to think about that at all right now. Not with _him_ right next to him. Why was Nezumi like that, anyway? Every time he was around Nezumi, he experienced things he never had before – like supreme embarrassment at being ridiculously loud in the library, shouting about not being gay. It was true enough that Shion felt drawn to Nezumi – but in love? _No way, is there?_  
“Don’t worry about it, Shion.” The way Nezumi said his name drew his attention right back. Come to think of it, it might be the first time Nezumi addressed him by his name. Nezumi’s hand was still on his shoulder, and when he looked up at Nezumi, his grey eyes were staring right into his own. “You’ll figure it out. And also, I need you to continue teaching me.”  
“B-But…” He couldn’t find the words to speak. “I… I need to go. Sorry. We’ll see each other again later,” he stammered, shaking Nezumi’s hand off his shoulder. He quickly picked up all his books and left, not even bothering to put his books in his bag. As long as he got out of there.

When he got home, he fumbled around with the key for a little bit, his thoughts still racing. _I’m not, am I?_ He clearly wasn’t gay. It wasn’t as if he’d never gotten an erection seeing a scarcely-clothed woman in an ad or on social media. He liked women. So he couldn’t be gay, could he? And sure, there was something about Nezumi that put him apart from other people, but that didn’t mean he was in love with him, right? It didn’t make sense for him to be gay. He was normal. He didn’t _feel_ gay.  
Suddenly he realized he had been frozen to the ground and still hadn’t opened the door. He opened the door and went inside. He immediately went to his room, while his mom yelled a “welcome home!” from the living room. He didn’t feel he could face her right now. He had to figure it out on his own. He put threw all his stuff on the ground. No, that wouldn’t do. He started putting all the books where they belonged. Order, order, order. That was what he searched for. If he couldn’t find it in his head, he’d create it in his room.  
He heard a knock on his bedroom door. “Hey… Shion?” His mother was standing outside the door. “If something’s happened, you know you can always talk to me, right?”  
“I know, mom. Don’t worry.” His mom was great. He knew she wouldn’t press the matter further if he didn’t want her to, but left him the space to talk about it if he wanted. Perhaps he would. Later.  
“Alright. Love you,” she said, and walked away.  
“Love you too!” he answered. Now, to finish cleaning his room. He went around the room, rearranging anything he could find to create the perfect order. Putting books on the shelf. Rearranging the insides of drawers to be neater. Dusting things off. But generally, Shion already kept his room spotless, so there wasn’t much to do. After 10 minutes, he found himself in a perfectly sterile room, and sank on the bed. The worrying about being gay, and cleaning his room had tired him out. Slowly he sank into a light sleep.

 _A hand was massaging his crotch. “I know you’ve been longing for my body,” a voice said. He felt lips kissing his neck. Then moving down, down, down. Lips kissing his torso. His nipple. His belly. And further, further down. Then, the warmth of the mouth enveloped_ that _place. He felt the warm lips move up and down._

Shion woke up, still sleepy from the dream. It was a hot dream, but he couldn’t remember the specifics. Not how she looked, not what she sounded like. She. It was a she. His crotch felt wet. He lifted up his trousers and underwear, and saw his suspicion confirmed: he had had an orgasm. The white, sticky substance needed cleaning up. He got up and went to the bathroom to clean himself and his underwear, before throwing it in the laundry basket. Going back to his room, he saw on his alarm clock that it was only 10 o’ clock. Not very late yet. Usual bedtime, but since he had already gotten a little sleep, he figured it would be good to head to bed a little later today. Perhaps it’d be good to talk about ‘it’ with Mom after all.  
When he went into the living room, his mother looked up from the magazine she was reading, and smiled knowingly. “Hey, Shion. Decided to keep me company after all?” she joked. “Hold on, I’ll make some tea,” she said, getting up already.  
“Thanks, Mom,” he said, sinking down in one of the chairs. It was a comfortable chair, like the house itself. All thanks to his mother. His mother was all about making things comfortable. Her whole aura itself had a sense of comfort and safety. Perhaps that was also why their bakery was still running well, in this era where most people just get all their food from the supermarket. People enjoyed being around her and her positivity, loved how she made her pastries with enjoyment and love for the art of baking. Shion was sure some people used their bakery as a daily retreat from the troubles of everyday life.  
“Here you go,” she said, putting a cup of tea before Shion.  
“Thanks.”  
“So,” she said, sitting back in her own chair. “What happened, my boy?” The ‘my boy’ made it sound like Shion was still a child, but he didn’t mind.  
“Mom… Do you think I’m gay?” he blurted out. There wasn’t really a good way to start this topic, but he was pretty sure even among bad ways to start this topic, this was one of the worse.  
His mother looked perplexed for a second. Then pensive. “Well, I’ve never really thought about it, to be honest. But… I suppose this question doesn’t come from nowhere, does it?”  
Shion was quiet for a second, trying to find the words to say. “Today, Nezumi said I like him. That I’m in love with him. He found it obvious, but… it’s not so obvious to me.” The most important part was out. And now that was done, Shion couldn’t stop more words from spilling over. “I don’t know. I like girls. I do. And I do feel attracted to Nezumi, but I don’t think it’s in that way. I barely even know him, let alone I could be in love with him! And he’s a guy, of course. But the fact that he said so confidently that I’m in love with him bugs me. He said it like he knows more about me than I myself do, which… annoys me.” He ran out of words.  
His mother looked at him with her head tilted, thinking it over. “Well… if he’s nice, I wouldn’t mind if you were in love with him. But you have to figure out yourself whether you really are. No one else can tell you. Not even Nezumi. Maybe you’re just excited to have a new friend, or maybe you really are in love with him. Both are possible, but that’s for you to find out.  
“In any case, don’t worry about it. You’ll figure it out, with time. For now, just have fun with him like normal.”  
_You’ll figure it out._ Nezumi had said that too. But coming from his mother, it was more comforting. “Thanks, mom.” He _would_ figure it out, but as long as he didn’t, it wasn’t a big deal. His mother said so. And, he supposed, having a supportive mother would help, no matter what.  
She chuckled. “Still, though. You’re not in love with Safu?”  
“Huh?” The question surprised Shion, and he felt himself getting red. “No! I’ve never thought of her in that way.” _And have you thought of Nezumi in that way?_ a part of him asked. He ignored the question.  
“I see,” she chuckled. “In any case, remember that I love you. And if you love Nezumi, I’ll learn to love him as much as you.”  
Shion lifted his cup of tea to his mouth, to hide his face. His eyes prickled. His mother was so, so sweet.  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I took some risks incorporating a sexual dream in this story. But don't worry, I won't make this an adult-oriented fanfic. I don't expect my story to get any more sexual than it did in this chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

>             I answered, ‘Goddess, please,  
> tell me the truth: is there no other way?  
> Or can I somehow circumvent Charybdis  
> and stop that Scylla when she tries to kill my men?’
> 
>             The goddess answered, ‘No, you fool!  
> Your mind is still obsessed with deeds of war.  
> But now you must surrender to the gods.  
> She is not mortal. She is deathless evil,  
> terrible, wild and cruel. You cannot fight her.  
> The best solution and the only way  
> is flight.’
> 
> \- Homer, The Odyssey (Book 12, 112-121)  
> Trans. Emily Wilson

“I… I need to go. Sorry. We’ll see each other again later.” That was it. Shion packed his things and went. Nezumi looked at his retreating back. _Well, fuck_. There went the person who was to save his grade, and with it, his freedom. Nezumi almost sighed. Guess today’s lesson had ended early. He figured he’d better try to look over the notes he made, to make up for the early end. Shion was a good teacher, and Nezumi was genuinely glad to have him teach him. He understood things when Shion explained them. Shion was annoyingly unskeptical about the things he was teaching, but nonetheless Nezumi felt he was able to get the truth out by asking the right questions. The two polar opposites made a surprisingly good team.  
All that said, he didn’t enjoy the idea of being indebted to Shion. It wasn’t a small favor Shion was doing him. It cost Shion a lot of time, and he didn’t get anything in return – except self-knowledge about being gay, and Nezumi wasn’t even sure whether Shion was glad to know that. He seemed to be pretty shaken up about it. Shion was so incredibly weak, Nezumi felt. The faintest breeze would knock him off-balance. _How can he live like that?_ Nezumi wondered. _It is about time Shion gets knocked down, so he learns how to get up again._  
In any case, Nezumi realized, for now he had to focus on his notes. It was early still, and his dad would certainly throw a fit if he came home already. He’d study his notes as much as he could, and then spend some time with his amaranthine friends: books.

When he got home, his head was full of civics and economics. At the library, he had picked up a copy of Thomas Piketty’s _Capital in the 21st Century_ , a ground-breaking study of the economic structure of global society. He found it genuinely interesting, but he had also read it to kill time. The more time spent at the library, the less he spent at home.  
He tried to sneak into the house as quietly as possible, but the wind closed the door louder than he had liked. “Nezumi, is that you?” he heard his father’s voice say. A few seconds later he was in the door opening to the living room. “How was it? That Shion definitely seems like a well-behaved boy. He’ll be a good influence on you.” _Because you’re a shitty son_ , was the message behind his words.  
“He’s alright,” Nezumi answered, and he made for the stairs. He didn’t want to talk to his Dad. His dad disagreed with his plan, though.  
“Hey, stay for a little bit! I want to ask you how the classes are going.”  
Nezumi stopped halfway up the stairs and turned to look his father straight in the eye. “Fine.”  
Dad was getting annoyed with his short answers. “Nezumi, I hope you remember that if your grades don’t improve, you’ll get grounded.”  
“I do.”  
“As long as you remember that,” he grumbled, and he angrily turned away. Short answers were, apparently, not enough of a gesture of disrespect to trigger him into white-hot rage. Nezumi went up the stairs and into his room. His own space. Sort of. Compared to the other parts of the house, this was _his_ space the most, but still it wasn’t his home.  
In any case, he had problems to solve. The problem was Shion, this time. Although he felt he was indebted to him, he wasn’t going to let Shion do whatever he felt like. He hated that his dad had invited Shion over. Shion should keep his nose out of his business. He had to figure out some kind of way to prevent Shion from visiting. If Shion did come, he’d figure out more about Nezumi’s life than he was comfortable with.  
He spent some time breaking his head over it. He started up his computer, opened up his browser, and typed in “how to uninvite someone”. One of the articles that popped up recommended being ‘honest and direct’. Nezumi snorted. He had the directness down, at the very least. But all in all, the articles weren’t helpful. He had to figure out a way to uninvite Shion while his parents believed Shion cancelled it himself, and it shouldn’t come back to bite him in the ass later, should his father and Shion ever meet again. That last part made the situation especially complicated. If it weren’t for that, he could just uninvite Shion directly, and tell his parents Shion had cancelled. But if his father ever found out he lied about that, all hell would break loose.  
He kept pondering about it, until he was called for dinner. The solution would have to wait, he figured. Or, what he deemed more likely, he’d figure something out on the spot.

The next Monday, Nezumi hadn’t figured out a solution. In the hallway, he saw Shion walking. He walked a little faster to catch up with him, and put his arm around Shion’s shoulders. “Yo,” he said.  
“Huh, w-what? Oh, it’s you.” Well, that was a good beginning, Nezumi figured. He had already managed to make Shion uncomfortable – his cheeks were glowing red. He wasn’t sure yet how this was going to fit in his plan, but it would. Or not, in which case he had made Shion uncomfortable for fun, which was also worth something. He got a strange kind of satisfaction out of making Shion uncomfortable. But it wasn’t just schadenfreude. Nezumi had said that Shion didn’t bother to see what was out of his direct line of vision, but Shion seemed more open to new information than he had expected. Right now, Shion was still blind, but maybe, just maybe he could learn to see. Furthermore, Shion had said that he wanted Nezumi to show him. And for that purpose, Nezumi was spitting in the sand and smearing the mud in Shion’s eyes.  
“Still planning to come over on Friday?” He asked not because he really wondered, but to discomfort him, letting him know between the lines that he’s not welcome.  
“Uhh, yeah, of course. Why do you ask?” Shion was still red in the cheeks, as Nezumi still had his arm around him.  
“No reason. Just making sure.”  
Shion stared in front of him for a few seconds, lost in thought. He wasn’t buying that there was ‘no reason’.  
“Anyway, gotta get to class,” Nezumi said. “Talk to you later!” _Mission accomplished_ , he thought. _The seeds of uncertainty have been planted._

During lunch, Nezumi sat alone, as always. Shion came up to him again, as he had done some days before. Despite himself, Nezumi found that he quite enjoyed Shion’s presence. In a strange, sadomasochistic way, that is. He annoyed the fuck out of Shion and Shion annoyed the fuck out of him.  
“Yo,” Nezumi said as Shion sat down next to him.  
“Hey,” he replied, not really being in it. He was clearly with his thoughts somewhere else. Nezumi kept looking at him as Shion kept staring at his food and absent-mindedly putting it in his mouth, probably not even tasting it. Then, Shion suddenly looked up at him. “Do you…” he started, still figuring out what he wanted to say. He kept searching for words, but then just returned to his food without finishing his sentence.  
 _Right. Shion must still be mulling over his newly discovered crush,_ Nezumi figured. He had almost forgotten about that, having lost himself in thinking about Shion’s impending visit to his house.  
“You know,” Nezumi said, “I’m not here to help you out or anything, but here’s a piece of advice: if anyone thinks you’re weird, they’re pathetic pieces of shit and you don’t need to listen to them. Although,” Nezumi chuckled, “I can’t believe you hadn’t figured that out yet. You’re a weirdo and I can’t believe you’ve gone so long without embracing that. So maybe liking a guy like me is good practice for you. Embrace your weirdness of liking guys.”  
Shion looked around worriedly – probably worried about whether someone overheard him. Seeing that no one had, he let out a sigh of relief. He took a deep breath, and forced the words of his subconscious out of his mouth. “Look, I don’t know what to think. I don’t know how I feel about you. But I wanted to ask, just out of curiosity… do you like me?”  
The question hit Nezumi out of nowhere. Shion’s eyes were piercing his – honest eyes that contained a book of a thousand pages that Nezumi could read in an instant. And at this moment, all the pages were filled with a mix of curiosity, excitement and respect. It occurred to Nezumi that maybe he’d been wrong. Maybe Shion didn’t like him. Maybe Nezumi was just a new mysterious phenomenon that had caught Shion’s attention – and a scientific-like curiosity is not, and cannot ever be, love. “I don’t,” Nezumi managed to utter, still too surprised to laugh at Shion. At least he was sure he didn’t like Shion. He could stand Shion better than many other people, but simultaneously, Shion also got more on his nerves than anyone else. Shion was an open book that threw curveballs. You don’t expect curveballs, especially coming from a book.  
“I see.” Shion stared off in the distance again.  
Nezumi laughed. “Where the fuck did that question even come from?”  
A silence fell. “I guess…,” Shion began, “I wanted to know if I mean anything to you.”  
“You’re my tutor, that’s what you mean to me. I’m thankful to you,” – he was surprised at his own words, but he didn’t let it show – “and will do whatever I can to repay you, but don’t expect me to befriend you or fall in love with you.”  
“But what if I don’t require any repayment aside from friendship?”  
Nezumi looked at him incredulously. _He can’t be fucking serious._ It took a few seconds for Nezumi to recover and find the words to answer. “That is one terrible fucking foundation for a friendship. I thought you wanted me to want to become your friend. This,” he said, dropping his voice to a husky whisper and leaning towards Shion to intimidate him, “is the opposite. This is guilt tripping me into becoming your friend. You’re full of shit.”  
Shion sighed and looked down at his plate again. “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel like you owe me friendship. But,” he added, now looking straight at Nezumi again, “I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything either. I don’t know why, but I feel drawn to you. I want to be your friend. And friends don’t owe each other anything, they’ll help and take care of each other just because they’re friends. That’s why I don’t want you to repay me. I want to help you like I would a friend.” Or a lover, his eyes seemed to say. “And…” he continued, “if you don’t want to be my friend, that’s fine. Then just take the gift of my help.”  
Nezumi took a deep breath, and was about to sigh, but then stopped himself – he didn’t like sighing: sighs exposed what his weaknesses were. “Fine,” he said begrudgingly. “Then, I’ll be as honest with you as I would with a friend. I don’t want you to come over on Friday.” Granted, it wasn’t entirely fair to abuse Shion’s feelings towards him to manipulate Shion into doing what he wanted, but hey – Shion was naive enough to place his trust in him, and that was his own fault. Any rational thinking person would distrust Nezumi.  
“What? Why?”  
“I don’t want to tell you.” That was even more unfair, to leave him devoid of an explanation. But Nezumis first priority was himself, not Shion.  
“Alright then,” Shion said, slightly disappointed. Nezumi saw that he wanted to ask, he wanted to press the issue. But he didn’t. As if to signal the end to the conversation, the bell rang. They said their goodbyes to each other and went their own way.

The wind was playing with Nezumi’s hair as he cycled through the streets, on his way home – or at least, the house that was supposed to function as such. The outside was more of a home to him than his house was. Anywhere was more of a home to him than his house was. But of all places, he was especially fond of his bike’s saddle. It’s not as if he cycled a lot, but if he had to commute, then his preferred method would always be cycling. It gave his mind space to wander, while he was still going someplace that he needed to go to. He liked the way cycling required him to make use of his body, feeling the muscles tense and relax, feeling the wind on his skin – making him feel that he inhabited his body. If anything was his home, it was his own body.  
A feeling of dread came over him when he arrived at his house. He knew it was bullshit to feel that way, but it seemed to him that an evil aura was emanating from the place. An aura he would ignore over and over again because, in the end, he needed a roof above his head and food in his stomach. He put his bike in the rack in the front of his house. It stood in the middle of the front yard that was as unkept as a garden could be. It didn’t help to make the house more inviting.  
Because Nezumi had spent the late afternoon at the library, it was already near dinnertime when he came home. Upon opening the front door, smells of cooking and disinterest wafted towards him. Whatever it was his mother was cooking up, it promised to taste blandly. Nezumi figured he should learn to cook sometime. Food could be so much more than just something you have to go through. It could be a joy. But not as long as his mother cooked for him. And not as long as he lived here, he figured. Learning to cook in this house would mean being downstairs for a longer time than he cared to.  
“Nezumi? Is that you?” his mother yelled from the kitchen, although even yelling her voice wasn’t very loud. “Just in time. I’ve just finished cooking.”  
Nezumi threw his bag down near the coat rack. That would annoy Dad without a doubt, but he didn’t care – or perhaps he _wanted_ to annoy him. He wasn’t sure himself.  
When he went into the kitchen, Lily was already sitting at the table. He joined her at her side. She smiled faintly at him, nervously. Not about him, but about dinner. Dinnertime was that time that the whole family was close together, and inevitably the time the worst clashes happened.  
When everybody had taken a seat and the food was on the table, his father led the prayer. It was the same prayer as always; Nezumi could dream it by now, and he bet Lily could too. To an outsider his father might have seemed like a pious man, but Nezumi knew better. His father respected the authority of tradition. He didn’t care about the principles of his religion. The fruits of the Holy Spirit were love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control; the only one of those that his father knew was faithfulness, but it was faithfulness to tradition, not to God. As a Christian, his father had failed horrendously. But he would never know it. That would require his father to participate in self-reflection, which would never happen.  
After the prayer and when the food has been served, Nezumi decided not to waste any time. “So, today Shion came up to me. He told me that he couldn’t come over this Friday after all. Something else came up, he said.”  
“Oh, really?” His father’s words seemed to be on the edge between seriousness and sarcasm. That didn’t bode well. “What a shame. You’ll have to make a new appointment with him, then. He’s always welcome.” He looked Nezumi straight in the eye. _Shit._ He suspected, but did not know for sure, that Nezumi was lying, and that the cancellation wasn’t from Shion’s side. What could he do? Could he say that Shion actually didn’t want to come over at all? No, his father would easily see through that – Shion had been quite enthusiastic about coming over. And Nezumi couldn’t just have a big mouth either and say that he didn’t want it himself. The threat of being grounded was still hanging above his head, and he couldn’t upset the delicate balance that had been struck in the house any more.  
“Alright, I’ll invite him,” he said, looking his father in the eyes defiantly. In his mind he was stabbing that motherfucker who always seemed to get in his way, and it hurt him to have to suck it up. But he’d do anything for his own well-being. If discomfort now would save him more discomfort later, he’d do it. He’d go as low as he needed to.  
He would let Shion come over. That was the lesser of the evils.  
Better to deal with Shion than with Dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting patiently, everyone! Again, my thanks go out to Elise (@Zwadderaar on Twitter) for proofreading and feedback.  
> Also, thanks to everyone who supported me this far. This chapter carried the story to a word count that officially made this the longest thing I've ever written - the previous record standing at 12k words for a paper on a philosophical analysis of PSYCHO-PASS, lol. 
> 
> This was the hardest chapter to write so far. I hope the next chapter will be easier. 
> 
> Also, shout-out to Emily Wilson for her superb translation of The Odyssey.


	6. Chapter 6

> Genius is a _talent_ for producing something for which no determinate rule can be given, not a predisposition consisting of a skill for something that can be learned by following some rule or other; hence the foremost property of genius must be _originality_.
> 
> \- Immanuel Kant (1790) – Critique of Judgment, §46  
>  Trans. Werner S. Pluhar

It was lunch break, and Shion was staring at Nezumi incredulously after Nezumi had re-invited him. “So, now you _do_ want me to come over?” Shion’s mouth would not form the question that his eyes spew: _why?!_ He was learning to respect Nezumi’s privacy, after all. Even though he was the one that had pushed Shion away, Shion’s compliance annoyed him. Compliance was both the thing he wanted and detested in Shion.  
Nezumi decided to answer the question in Shion’s eyes: “I told my dad you couldn’t come over, but he _suspected_ that I was lying. So, he insisted I invite you over another day. If I refused, he would have been _certain_ that I lied.” _And all hell would break loose._  
“Alright then,” Shion said, curiosity mostly satisfied. He seemed to want to ask for more details, but didn’t poke around further. “Is Saturday alright with you?”  
“No, I’ll be working.” Shion’s face was interested. Nezumi realized that was the first time he told Shion he had a job. Shion was anxious to learn more of him – of his crush. Or whatever he was to him.  
“Oh? What kind of job do you have?”  
“How about Monday?” Fucker really thought that, now that Nezumi had revealed one thing about himself, he could go in for a second thing. Thought wrong.  
Shion didn’t seem to mind Nezumi’s reticence. “Sure. Is five thirty alright?”  
“Yeah, all good.”  
“Alright,” Shion said, getting his agenda out of his bag. An old-school paper agenda, instead of one on his phone. It was a plain one that wasn’t particularly made for high schoolers. It had a single Hello Kitty sticker stuck on it, and Nezumi wondered where it came from. “Beautiful sticker you got there,” he said teasingly.  
“Yes, it’s representative of my soul,” Shion joked. “I got it from my friend Safu. She’s into that cutesy stuff, and I like some of it from time to time. Maybe she has a sticker for you too, if you like it so much.”  
Nezumi chuckled. “I’ll pass, thank you.”  
“By the way,” Shion said, changing the topic, “some time ago you mentioned that I should read a classic someday. Do you have any recommendation on where to start?”  
The question came as a surprise to Nezumi. At the time, Shion had seemed uninterested. Now, he was asking him for recommendations? He was tempted to recommend Shakespeare just to annoy Shion – Shakespeare was almost illegible to someone not used to reading older English – but decided not to nip Shion’s curiosity in the bud. He scrolled through his mind’s library, until he found something fitting. “Try starting out with Franz Kafka’s books. The Metamorphosis, for instance. Or his novel The Trial. I’m sure you’d like it.”  
Shion made a note of it on his smartphone. “Alright. Thank you. I’ll let you know what I think of it.”  
Apparently Shion assumed Nezumi was interested in hearing that. And Nezumi wasn’t quite sure whether he was right.

Monday had come. “I’m home!” Nezumi yelled as he entered the house, Shion following him close behind. As the words left his mouth, he realized what a goddamn fool he was. He never yelled “I’m home”, yet here he was, playing pretend, making it look like to Shion like he lived in a normal house with a normal family. For God’s sake, he had seen how Shion had looked at the jungle-garden. Shion had already figured out that something in this house is up, that made the residents unable to keep a garden. He hung up his coat, and Shion followed his example. Entering the living room, they were greeted by the smell of his mother’s cooking, which, uncharacteristically, she seemed to care about a little more than usual. After a few seconds his mother poked his head around the corner. “Ah, you must be Shion,” she said, and offered him her hand. “I’m Jennifer.”  
Shion shook her hand. “Nice to meet you.”  
“Make yourself at home,” she said, gesturing at the sitting corner. “I’m afraid I’m too busy cooking right now to play hostess properly, but Nezumi can get you anything you want.”  
“Thank you,” Shion tried to answer, but Nezumi’s mother had already dived back into the kitchen.  
Shion and Nezumi looked at each other. “That’s just how she is,” Nezumi tried to convey with his eyes, but he wasn’t sure the message landed with Shion. Nezumi sauntered over to the couch and dropped himself on it. Shion followed his example more modestly, sitting down on a chair calmly. “So…” Shion began, “do you have any siblings or is it just you and your parents?”  
“I’ve got a little sister, Lily. I’m not sure where she is; maybe upstairs, or she might be at a friend’s house. You’ll see her when we have dinner though.” As he was finishing his sentence, the door opened, and Lily entered the room. “To speak of the devil,” Nezumi whispered to Shion.  
“Hi there,” Shion said to Lily, extending his hand. “I’m Shion, Nezumi’s friend.”  
“Hello,” she said, shaking his hand – but not telling her name. Shion’s smile broadened a little at the omission. _Kids_ , Nezumi could almost hear him think.  
“What’s your name?” Shion asked, trying to instill some sense of social cues into Lily.  
“Lily,” she answered shyly, before escaping into the kitchen. She liked checking in advance what was on the menu, in order to mentally prepare herself. Nezumi figured it couldn’t be too bad today – Mom had, after all, put in a little more effort than usual, going by the odors.  
A silence settled between them, and Nezumi had no desire to fill it up. He looked at Shion. Shion was looking around him at the living room. Besides some mess, there wasn’t much to look at, though. The living room looked fairly modern, without much color. The most colorful thing in the room was the tropical aquarium. The second-most colorful thing in the room the picture of the sea hanging above the sofa, but even that was mostly monochrome – just in sunset orange, instead of black and white.  
“Like the interior?” he asked Shion, almost teasingly. But he was truly a little curious. The modern monochromatic lines were the architectural pinnacle of rules and law. Perhaps it’d say something about Shion if he liked it.  
Still looking around, Shion’s answer came out of his mouth slowly, softly, and clearly unintentionally, without thinking. Nezumi only barely heard it. “I hate it.” Nezumi’s eyes widened in surprise. A fraction of a second later, Shion turned towards him with a shock and with as surprised an expression as Nezumi’s. “I mean… I didn’t…” he stammered.  
Nezumi burst out laughing. “Thanks for your honesty! Appreciate it. And I agree. Fuck this interior.”  
Shion looked in the direction of the kitchen timidly, afraid that Nezumi’s mother had overheard Nezumi’s criticism – the living room and the kitchen were divided by a corner in the layout of the house, that is, the two rooms were connected without a wall in between. But Nezumi’s mother didn’t poke her head around the corner angrily, or anything like that. Not that that meant anything, Nezumi thought – even if she had heard, she would probably just suck it up.  
Seeing no reaction from Nezumi’s mother, Shion turned his face back to Nezumi and softly chuckled along with him, though still red in the face from embarrassment. “I surprised myself there,” he said softly.  
“And me. God. I liked it, though. I’d like to see more of that side of you.” The words rolled out of his mouth before he realized it, producing unintended effects.  
Nezumi saw Shion turn even redder. _Oh god, way to go, Nezumi,_ it shot through his head. _“I’d like to see more of that side of you.”_ It was a cruel thing to say to someone who liked him, without liking them back. _Could I ever like Shion?_ he wondered. A vision entered his head. Him, pressing his lips on Shion’s. The vision didn’t disgust him. Shion would probably be a lousy kisser, though – Nezumi couldn’t imagine that Shion had kissed anyone before.  
An uncomfortable silence settled between them, highlighting the sound of the exhaust hood and the fizzling food coming from the kitchen. After a long minute, Shion was the one to break the silence. “Do you think I’m too complacent?” he started. His sentences formed slowly, deliberately. “I’ve been thinking. I still want you to show me.” He paused. “I don’t know what I want you to show me, but I do want you to show me. The truth.” To an outsider it might have seemed like a topic switch, but Nezumi understood. He thought back of what he had told Shion a few weeks ago.  
_You’re ignorant. You’re the kind of person who goes with the flow and never tries to find out what’s out of your direct line of vision. Even if I told you what I meant, it’s so far outside what you know and have seen, you wouldn’t know what to do with it, or even understand what I mean. So figure it out yourself._  
Shion looked like he had more to say, but Nezumi interrupted. “I’ll admit that you’ve got more capability of seeing the truth than I thought you had. To start with seeing the truth about this god-awful interior.” Shion snorted, casting down his eyes shortly. But a second later, he was looking straight at Nezumi again, as if he didn’t want to look away. “And since you help me study civics, I owe you. I’ll never be able to tell you, I’ll never be able to show you the truth, but I can be there and hold your hand along the way. That’s all I can do for you.”  
Shion didn’t say anything in response, but his eyes were thankful.  
Then the door to the corridor swung open, and Nezumi’s father appeared. “Ah, Shion!” he said jovially. “Welcome!” He offered Shion his hand.  
“Thank you for having me,” Shion answered, politely, shaking the extended hand. The contrast with his earlier brutal honesty could not be greater, Nezumi mused.  
His dad didn’t pay any attention to Nezumi – as if he was air to him. Although it was a sign of a dysfunctional family, Nezumi liked it that his father ignored him. It was being ignored or being hated, and the latter was a drag, he found.  
“Joshua, is that you?” his mother spoke from the kitchen. “Right on time. I just finished cooking.”  
“Oh, let’s head to the kitchen then,” his dad said to Shion.  
“Alright,” Shion answered, following him to the kitchen, but glancing at Nezumi, dragging him along with his eyes.  
“You can sit over there, Shion,” his mom gestured. “Lily, you can sit at the head of the table.” A bit of a change from usual, to accommodate Shion at the table next to Nezumi.  
When everyone was seated, his father addressed Shion: “If you don’t mind, we’ll be praying before we start eating. You’re free to join in, but you don’t have to.” Without waiting for a response, he folded his hands together, said “let’s pray”, and started praying out loud, eyes closed. Nezumi looked around the table during the prayer. Shion had folded his hands together and had his eyes closed. Like a respectable Christian. Lily, on the other hand, was looking at Shion, with curiosity in her eyes. This was the first time Nezumi brought anyone home. Not because he didn’t have friends, but because he’d rather be anywhere else with his friends. She noticed Nezumi looking at her and smiled. She and Nezumi now had their own little secret, of the opened eyes during prayer.  
“Amen,” his father concluded. Everyone opened their eyes, and his mother started dishing out tortillas for everyone to make their own wrap.  
“So how did you end up helping out Nezumi, Shion?” his mother began.  
“I asked him after hearing he was good at civics,” Nezumi interjected before Shion could answer. Besides, it was mostly true – in the end, Nezumi did end up giving Shion a phone call on his own initiative.  
Shion looked a bit surprised at that truth-bending, but quickly recovered and nodded in agreement. “Yeah, he did. And I’m always happy to help people.”  
Lily looked at Shion as if he was surrounded by a halo. Nezumi’s father did not. “Even Nezumi?” he asked jokingly, but it was the kind of joke that contains a grain of truth. Or more than a grain. “Is he a bit of a good student?”  
“Yes, he picks things up quickly. He’s got a knack for it, actually.”  
“Typical,” he replied. “Enough potential, but he needs a kick in the butt to get him going.”  
“He does really well on other subjects, though. Without a kick in the butt,” Nezumi’s mother interjected, with her usual soft voice.  
“Thanks, Mom,” Nezumi said. “At least someone thinks I’m competent. Besides Shion, apparently.”  
“I do, too!” Lily chimed in, because sure, she thought he was competent. In a house like this, Nezumi must’ve looked like the paragon of competence to her. A house like this naturally lowers one’s standards.  
A fleeting look of annoyance appeared on his father’s face, but he quickly hid it. “It’s not like I think you’re incompetent, you just don’t care as much as you should about school and other things. You’d rather waste time with friends and going to those screamo concerts.” He said it supposedly teasingly, but a hidden venom was audible to Nezumi.  
Nezumi didn’t answer immediately, and looked at Shion. Shion seemed to hear the venom as well, but didn’t know what to say about it. Eventually Nezumi decided to speak again. He would go pretty far to survive in this hellhole, but some dignity remained. Especially in front of Shion. And his father had to keep up good pretense with Shion now anyway, so the immediate consequences wouldn’t be too bad. “I’m doing fine at school and have friends and hobbies. What kind of a dad are you to want to take this away from me?”  
A fire burned in his father’s eyes, but his voiced remained calm. “Come on Nezumi! I was just _joking_. Don’t be so sensitive.”  
“We both know you weren’t joking, because you talk shit about me all the time. It’s only now that Shion’s here you make it sound like a joke.”  
His father glanced at Shion, who made a face that said ‘Nezumi is probably right but don’t drag me into this.’ “Language, Nezumi,” was the only thing his dad countered.  
A silence fell. Lily and Mom had been making eye contact. Lily had felt the rising tension, and gotten anxious, while Mom had been trying to calm her down through eye contact – to no avail.  
The rest of the meal went on awkwardly, tensely, with Mom trying to make small talk with Shion and Nezumi. No surprises there.

“And, did you enjoy the dinner?” Nezumi asked Shion teasingly. They were sitting in Nezumi’s room, intending to study some civics.  
Shion did not take it with as much humor as Nezumi did. “Is this how it always is? So tense?”  
“Now you know why I didn’t want you to come over. Or anyone, really. The kindest thing to do is not to invite people over into this shithole.”  
Shion was quiet for a few seconds, staring at the floor. Then he muttered, “I’m sorry,” barely loud enough for Nezumi to hear it.  
“What?” Nezumi asked in confusion.  
“I’m sorry,” Shion said again, now louder. He looked straight at Nezumi. “You didn’t want me to come here, to see all this, but I did anyway. Sorry.”  
“Oh, fuck off, dude,” Nezumi said. He was going to add something else, but he didn’t know what he wanted to say. But something about Shion’s apology irritated him to no end. Did Shion lack sincerity? It wasn’t exactly Shion’s fault that he ended up here – he was invited after all. “Look, you got invited, and you came. It’s not your fault.” Shion took a breath as if he were about to say something, but Nezumi continued, “So don’t act like it is. Apologizing for something that’s not your fault is just an overestimation of your own importance.”  
Shion thought for a while. He didn’t seem to be offended. “I guess you’re right,” he said eventually. “Sorry for apologizing, then.” Nezumi snorted in response. “But there was a part of the apology that I really did mean. I’m sorry for prying into parts of your life you’d rather keep secret.”  
The sudden sincerity surprised Nezumi. “Thanks,” he muttered. He appreciated Shion, that much suddenly became clear. He wondered whether he would ever tell him more about himself. Not because Shion wanted him to, but because he himself wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Important announcement: I will be changing the title of the fanfic with the release of the next chapter. Right now it's "Discipline and Punish", but I don't really like that title. The new title will probably be "Teach me to see", but I'm not sure yet.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and thanks for your patience! I know I'm not the fastest writer, but... I do my best. 
> 
> In more fun news, I've gone and written some cute short stories with two gay OCs of mine. You can access them via https://jellalism.neocities.org/theadventuresofkaianddamian.html if you're interested.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW TITLE! Discipline and Punish --> Teaching you to see
> 
> And not to spoil anything, but: general content warning.

> ‘It must be gotten rid of,’ cried the sister; ‘That is the only way, father. You must try to get rid of the idea that this is Gregor. The fact that we have believed for so long, that is truly our real misfortune. But how can it be Gregor? If it were Gregor, he would have long ago realized that a communal life among human beings is not possible with such an animal and would have gone away voluntarily. Then we would not have a brother, but we could go on living and honour his memory.  
>    
>  \- Franz Kafka (1915), The Metamorphosis  
>  Trans. Ian Johnston

“How dare you disrespect me like that?!” Shion had just left; the closing of the door was the starting signal for his father to explode.  
“How dare you disrespect _me_ like that?” Nezumi bit back. “If you think you can treat me like shit all you want, you thought wrong.”  
“I am your _father_ , and you should respect me. It–”  
“Then be a little more respectable, will you?” Nezumi cut him off. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lily and his mother. Lily was too scared to cry, while his mother looked at them with shock and fear. Not just at Nezumi; at both Nezumi _and_ his father.  
“Listen when I speak!” his father roared.  
Nezumi shut up, but rolled his eyes in response. That only fueled his father’s anger.  
“We didn’t take you in this house to be treated like this!”  
“Good thing your love is unconditional,” Nezumi spat. They had filled him up with that Christian bullshit about unconditional parental love; they were getting it served back to them now. He had as much filial piety as his father had unconditional love.  
“Only for _real_ sons,” his father spat back. His mother gasped. Besides that, everything was silent. You could hear a needle drop.  
After long moments of silence, Nezumi answered. “You know,” he said calmly, “if I weren’t a real son, it’s because you’ve never acted like a real father.”  
The silence came back and it was even more oppressive than before. A storm was raging inside of his father’s eyes. “Get out,” he whispered through gritted teeth. Nezumi blinked in surprise. “I don’t want you in this house tonight. Get out!” He was screaming again. Lily started crying softly, but not daring to draw too much attention. He walked to the door and opened it. “Here’s the door. Leave.”  
“Josh…” his mother tried to interrupt, but one furious look of his father shut her up.  
Nezumi was still stunned, and just stood, staring at his father. His father became impatient and went to grab him by the arm – dragging him out the house by force if needed. But as soon as his father touched his arm, the spell cast over Nezumi broke, and he responded immediately. “Keep your _fucking_ hands off me,” he said, pushing his father away forcefully. He strode towards the door, grabbing his coat and scarf in one fell swoop, and walking out. He shut the door behind him resolutely, without looking back. He felt sorry for Lily, but there was nothing to be done. Besides, he had more pressing worries. It was freezing, and he didn’t want to stay outside. Not again. In this weather, it could be deadly. He knew that better than anyone.  
He got his bike from the rack. First, to the Mac. He could just sit there for free, warming up. From there, he could start calling friends and see where he could crash, at least for the night. Going to the police was out of the question. Of course, it wasn’t legal to kick out your legal son like that, but whose word would they take? A white man’s word, or an Asian punk’s? Nezumi was sure his father would come up with some bullshit excuse, making Nezumi out to be a violent maniac or something of the sort. Moreover, whoever’s side the pigs took, he’d be thrown back into the foster care system, and he wasn’t quite ready for that. He had only been in the system for a year, but he had hated every second of it. Whatever he did, he had to ask whether he was allowed. Everything was planned and organized. Everyone had their designated space, and everything had its designated time. It wasn’t a human way to live. It tried to make robots, docile bodies, out of orphans. The system would eat individuals alive and spit them back out unrecognizably and indistinguishable from each other. Only the body would stay alive; the soul would be obliterated without a trace.  
For the second time that evening, Nezumi felt that strong impulse, that strong sense of self-respect. He would go far to survive, but there was a limit to how much indignity he’d tolerate. Going back into the system was out of the question.  
As he cycled, his resolve only got firmer. The cutting, icy wind etched it into him. He would get through. Without a doubt. Although he felt he was coolheaded, his thoughts still went a thousand miles per hour, proposing and rejecting plans for the future. But the immediate future was, of course, of paramount importance. He’d go to the Mac – not buy anything, to save money – and from there, he would call his friends. He had three friends he considered a possibility.  
Four.  
But the fourth was a last resort.  
God forbid he needed to depend on Shion. Even more than he already did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a bit of a short chapter, but you'll have to live with that! I'm happy about how this chapter turned out. I got to google "phenomenology foster care" as background research and to my surprise, this is a fairly hot topic. There really is phenomenology about every topic imaginable, huh? (Husserl is really content about this.)


	8. Chapter 8

> It is altruism that has corrupted and perverted human benevolence by regarding the giver as an object of immolation and the receiver as a helplessly miserable object of pity who holds a mortgage on the lives of others – a doctrine which is extremely offensive to both parties, leaving men no choice but the roles of sacrificial victim or moral cannibal. A man of self-esteem can neither offer help nor accept it on such terms.  
>    
>  \- Ayn Rand (1966), The Question of Scholarships

At 10 in the evening, Shion’s phone unexpectedly buzzed, lying on the table in front of him. He didn’t bother to look up. He figured it must be a text or an email – not anything of importance, anyway. He was too engrossed in his book, the Metamorphosis, to pay much attention to the things outside of him. The book fascinated him: the story about a man who turned into a gargantuan vermin, was permeated with a sense of desolation and powerlessness. He didn’t want to stop reading. But his phone kept buzzing. _A phone call_ , he realized. He didn’t often get phone calls, let alone ones late in the evening. Who would ever call him so late? He put his book away to pick up the phone.  
The lit-up screen revealed the answer: Nezumi.  
“Hey,” Shion said.  
“Yo,” came the answer. A few seconds passed. His reticence was palpable, even through the phone. Shion wondered what had happened, but in any case, he thought it best to give Nezumi time to find the words to say.  
And he did find them.  
“Can you help me out?”  
The words surprised Shion. “Err, sure? I mean, what with?”  
The reply came, but Nezumi had hesitated just for a moment. “I need a place to sleep.”  
_Oh,_ Shion thought, which turned out he also said out loud.  
“Not ‘oh’, but yes or no.”  
“Umm. It’s alright with me, but let me ask my mom. Just a sec.”  
“Sure.”  
He had been sitting in the living room together with his mother, who had looked up at the words ‘let me ask my mom’. “Well, shoot,” she said.  
“Is it alright if Nezumi sleeps here tonight?”  
“What? Why? I mean, it’s fine, but it’s very sudden.”  
He shrugged. The why of the situation had totally gone over Shion’s head, surprised as he was by Nezumi’s request. But his mother was right: it was strange, so sudden. Perhaps Nezumi would tell him more when he arrived. Or perhaps not, knowing him.  
He put the phone to his ear again. “It’s alright, you can come over.”  
“Thanks. I’ll be there in ten,” Nezumi answered before he immediately hung up. Shion put the phone back on the table.  
“Just so you know,” his mother said, “I will _not_ have you sleeping in the same bed.”  
“ _MOM!_ ” Shion yelled out in shock. His mother giggled furiously in response.  
“I’m just teasing.”  
Right. Just teasing.  
  
A little while later, the sound of the doorbell resonated through the house. Shion stood up and went to the front door, with a strange, nervous sensation in his body. Why would Nezumi need a place to go so suddenly? And why was the place in question _his house_? It was a level of mystery that was out of character even for Nezumi. Or perhaps it wasn’t out of character. Perhaps he just didn’t know Nezumi all that well. Sometimes it seemed like every step he took towards Nezumi only accentuated how far apart they still were. He really didn’t know anything about him.  
When he swung open the door, Nezumi stood there as self-confident as ever, as if nothing was wrong. “Hey, come in,” Shion said absentmindedly. He realized he was looking at, _inspecting_ Nezumi on anything that might be off.  
When Nezumi stepped inside and mumbled a word of thanks, Shion found what he was looking for. “Your bags. Where are they?”  
“Don’t have them,” Nezumi said as if it was the most normal thing in the world. He was hanging up his coat as usual. When he finished, Shion didn’t do anything but look him in the eye. Nezumi looked right back. “Ugh. Fine,” he said, breaking eye-contact to comb through his hair with his hand. “I’ll tell you what’s up. But let’s at least go upstairs. I’m sure you’ve got a more comfortable space than this cramped hall.”  
“Oh. Right. Sure,” Shion answered, feeling himself grow red. Nezumi’s sarcasm never failed to put him ill at ease. As he went up the stairs, an important question came to him. “My mom is in the living room. Do you want to sit there, or–”  
“Your room,” Nezumi cut him off.  
“Right,” he mumbled in response. When he arrived at his room, he threw the door open and told Nezumi to go inside. “I’ll tell my mom in the meantime not to bother us. Also, do you want something to drink? Tea?”  
“Sure, tea sounds good.”  
A minute later he came back with the tea. His mother had looked disappointed when he said they’d be in his room, but accepted it. Nezumi had made himself comfortable in the meantime, lying supine on the bed. When Shion put the tray on the desk, Nezumi started talking without any preamble. “Josh kicked me out of the house.” Nezumi stared at the ceiling.  
“What?!” Shion barely knew what to say. “Why? For good, or just tonight?”  
“He said just for tonight, but I don’t think he’ll let me back in tomorrow.”  
The silence was heavy, but better than anything Shion could have answered. He sighed and let himself sink into the desk chair. Nezumi hadn’t answered why he’d been kicked out, but the question was redundant in the first place. Having seen and experienced the ambiance during dinner at Nezumi’s house, he could think of a million reasons Nezumi could have been kicked out that all boil down to the same overarching reason: Nezumi was disrespectful and his father a bastard.  
For a few long minutes, they were both lost in thought. Eventually, Shion broke the silence again. “So what are you going to do now?”  
“Sleep, most likely.” He sat up and started sipping his tea. “Do you happen to have a spare toothbrush, by the way?”  
Shion ignored his question. “You know, if you don’t have anywhere else to go, you could stay here longer.”  
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” he asked teasingly.  
“I just don’t want you to sleep outside. You deserve better.”  
“I’m not fucking helpless, you know?”  
Nezumi’s unexpected venom shut him up. _Why did he have to be so rude?_ Shion wondered. But on the other hand, he could understand it. Nezumi might play it cool, but there was no way he was left undisturbed by the situation. He was tense.  
“I don’t want to depend on you,” he said more softly. “I don’t like being indebted to someone.”  
_Debt?_ “I’m not doing it to… There is no debt. I just want to help you.”  
“Then why?”  
Shion thought for a moment? Why? Did he need a reason? Wasn’t this just the right thing to do? And he liked Nezumi.  
Nezumi didn’t leave him enough time to answer. “I don’t want to receive something just from _pity_ or _obligation_. I am worth more than that. I’m glad I can sleep here tonight. But,” – he leaned in until their faces were almost touching; his gaze was more piercing than it had ever been, but it also contained a strange warmth – “I will pay you back, someday, somehow.”  
“And I will forever keep saying that you don’t need to.”  
Nezumi annoyedly clicked his tongue and sat back on the bed. “Fine. We’ll see which one of us has the longer breath.”  
A silence ensued. Nezumi seemed perfectly comfortable, sipping his tea and sitting on the bed. Shion also found himself strangely comfortable, despite the tenseness that had just been between them. He stood up without a word and went to the bathroom to search a toothbrush for Nezumi. When he walked past the living room, his mother asked him, “everything alright there? You know you can always come into the living room.”  
“Yeah,” Shion mumbled in response.  
Soon enough he had found enough a still packaged toothbrush in the bathroom, placed it somewhere visible, and went back to his room. Nezumi had stood up and was inspecting his bookshelf. “The Trial, huh?” he said as Shion came in. He gestured to the book lying on his desk.  
“Yeah. I picked it up from the library a few days ago, along with the other book you mentioned, The Metamorphosis. I’m still reading that one.”  
Nezumi barely seemed to be listening. He softly mumbled, “The Metamorphosis”. A soft buzzing shook him from his contemplation, and he got his phone from his pocket. He looked at it. “It’s my mom. Give me a minute,” he said, implying that Shion leave the room. Shion acquiesced with a quick nod, and went to the living room, where his mother awaited him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN APOLOGY: All preceding chapters had opening quotes by men, and only one wasn't European. And now, finally, I used a quote by a woman, but the woman in question is FUCKING AYN RAND. I'd like to apologize for that.
> 
> In any case, while I hope to inspire some readers to read classics, please do consider reading more diversely than I've been quoting. Books you could read are: Frankenstein (Mary Shelley), Zhuangzi (Zhuang Zi), The Origins of Totalitarianism (Hannah Arendt), The Epic of Gilgamesh (anonymous), 1001 Arabian Nights (anonymous), The Bell Jar (Sylia Plath), The Bhagavad Gita (Krishna Dvaipāyana Vyāsa). I haven't read all of them yet, nor am I especially well-versed in world literature, but this should set you on the right path.


End file.
